A list of random points every parent to be should know - but often not mentioned.

• IT FREAKING IS GONNA HURT LIKE NOTHING YOU’VE EVER EXPERIENCED

• Regardless of your health, anemia is pretty common. These babies suck all the iron ought of you.

• You are going to bleed for weeks afterwards if vaginal birth. So much for that whole heee no periods while preggers awesomeness hey?

• It’s messy. Very, very messy.

• People are going to say lots of stupid things to you. Don’t hurt them.

• Make sure they do the enema and toilet dash BEFORE they hook you up to an IV. Very hard to dash to toilet with needles in arm, hooked up to a machine and hugely pregnant and contracting.

• Don’t bother with the toilet slippers in any case.

• In Japan an epidural is NOT standard for a normal birth. You must seek out a clinic or hospital that does them if you want the option. Generally you are expected to get through labour and possibly an episiotomy and stitching without drugs.

• Breastfeeding is hard. It is not like breathing - you and your baby both have to learn how to do it in a very short amount of time. You can’t always succeed at this and THAT IS OK.

• While it may sound handy to be induced and have a more planned out labour you need to be aware that inducing results in a much higher level of pain for contractions.

• Cervical manipulation is very painful. Some people are better at doing it than others. While a certain amount of pain is to be expected tell someone if they are being too damn rough.

• You can have a birth plan but it’s more likely to be chucked out the window as soon as you go into labour. You need to move past this - as long as you and the baby are OK that is the most important thing. You don’t get a special medal for having given birth in a particular way.

• You know what may be right for you and your body. I was desperate to sit up despite puking. The midwife looking after me did not want me to do this as it interfered with the heart monitor. My doctor however told her to let me do what I wanted and bam - we got centimeters of speedy dilation.

• Note: Someone needs to design a better band for baby heart rate monitors. There’s a reason old beer bellied men wear their pants under their armpits - a simple belt is NOT going to hold a heavy monitor on a round contracting belly.

• You really need to have someone experienced with you to advocate if it’s your first time. Your male partner is going to be useless in this regardless if he is fluent in the language of the staff. This is not because males are useless per se, but rather they are likely to be scared and nervous and unsure what to do.

• If you are white and giving birth in a clinic where people are not as pale usually ask them to check your iron levels instead of just complimenting you on your lovely pale skin.

• There is no modesty when giving birth.

• You have never experienced true relief until you have given birth and dealt with the afterbirth and know that you will not have to have any more contractions for the time being.

• Oh yeah placenta and afterbirth. The bit they don’t show you in the movies is all the stuff that has to come out afterwards. It’s warm and gloopy and well just not that pleasant really. However it is much easier to deliver than an actual baby.